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Causing
BIG Problems for Your Client by Revealing the Hidden
Truth
Evolving into a masterful
coach begins with the pursuit of the question:
"What is really going on here?" For me, this
evolution had three stages: revealing the hidden truth,
recognizing the conflicting intention, and finally
resolving the core dynamic.
My experience has been
that most people play "just small enough" in
life to avoid a hidden truth. They settle into a life
that is sheltered and a bit too comfortable. It's like
having a covered walkway to your car: sure you never
have to worry about getting wet, but you miss the
exhilaration of occasionally having to run through the
rain.
Here are a few real world
examples of what I mean by causing problems:
- The client is inspired
to take on a project that would bring about
incredible growth and potential financial rewards
but it would call forth more creativity from her
than she has ever been willing to express
- Not making progress on
a project--there is something much more profound
that the client wants to do. However, this hidden
project comes from a long-held and deep-seated
desire buried by a lifetime of disappointment.
- Seeing and facing a
blatant but uncomfortable truth about a relationship
- the client loves this person, yet knows that
staying with him means denying a part of herself or
her purpose in life.
- Seeing and facing the
truth about a job - The client is comfortable and
the money is good enough to pay the bills, but he
know that he's only using a small fraction of his
talents and gifts
This "causes" a
big problem. The focus of coaching becomes all about
getting the stuck client out of the familiar pattern of
settling--settling for anything less than the full
sweetness of what life has to offer. I define settling
as anything less than bold self-expression, wild
creativity, and profound relatedness.
Ultimately,
Blind Spots are the Reason Coaching Exists
All the situations above
have some common threads. First, there is some truth
that is being overlooked, ignored or denied. It has
become a blind spot. Secondly, the situations reveal a
fundamental truth about life itself: you can not
effectively watch yourself do something.
From a practical point of
view, the best way to improve your performance at
anything (like playing tennis or running a business) is
to have a skilled person watch you, tell you what they
see, and then help you improve. If the person is
experienced at watching and sharing, they are called a
coach.
In our desire to live a
fully expressed life, having a coach is very useful
because we have blind spots in our perception of
ourselves. Most often, we are blind to our own truths
and inner conflicts (and our talents and possibilities,
too). One of my favorite realizations about being a
coach is this: it is a LOT EASIER to see another
person's truths, inner conflicts, and talents than it is
to see your own!
Working
Around the Truth Versus Handling the Truth
I often think about that
scene from "A Few Good Men" when Jack
Nicholson is on the stand in a military courtroom being
cross examined by Tom Cruise. Jack is getting angry
about the line of questioning and asks intensely,
"What do you want from me?" Tom shouts,
"I want the truth!" and Jack shouts back,
"You can't handle the truth!" It is a powerful
moment in film and speaks to our conditioned resistance
to seeing and facing the truth about things in our
lives.
Why is it so difficult to
"handle the truth" for the client and the
coach? I love this quote from Author Peter Senge
(from the introduction to the book
"Synchronicity" by Joe Jaworski):
"Most
of us aren't very good at perceiving reality as it is.
Most of what we "see" is shaped by our
impressions, our history, our baggage, our
preconceptions. We can't see people as they really are
because we're too busy reacting to our own internal
experiences of what they evoke in us, so we rarely
actually relate to reality. We mostly relate to internal
remembrances of our own history, stimulated and evoked
by whatever is externally before us . . .
If we
could only see reality more as it is, it would become
obvious what we need to do. We wouldn't be acting out of
our own histories, or our own needs, or our own purely
reactive interpretations. We would see what is needed in
the moment. We would do exactly what's required of us,
right now, right here. This is … living one's life by
"participating in the unfolding". You can't do
that unless you can actually see what is right before
you."
An
Example…
In an earlier part of the
series, I spoke about the woman who had the opportunity
to create a lucrative strategic alliance but week after
week didn't make the call because she didn't have time.
As a problem solving coach, I would help her work around
the truth (or inner conflict) by having her do a time
log of her activities and then we could see that she
really did have time to make the call.
As a masterful coach I
would realize that the goal of the strategic alliance
had created a BIG problem for her. Then we would begin
to explore her thoughts and feelings in search of her
truth and possibly the inner conflicts she has about
this alliance. She may have doubts about her ability to
deliver. She may be worried that it would really take
off and become consuming, thus taking time away from her
family responsibilities.
There can be any number
of big problems that show up. With the right perspective
and an environment of openness, it is possible to
pinpoint exactly what the problem is. Realize that your
ability to help the client handle the truth is only
limited by your own ability to face the truths of your
own life.
The big question is: when
you find the truth, what do you do with it? Good
question. In coaching proficiency 13, "Relishes
Truth", we suggest that it is often best to do
nothing with the truth. Just let it sit there for a
while and see what the basic awareness will create.
However, if you want to
work on the truth, examining the client's conditioning
is a powerful access point. The pervasive tendency to
avoid seeing reality and the limited ability to respond
to the moment is caused by conditioning from the past.
Conditioning leads to limiting beliefs and restrictive
patterns of thought. We call these patterns of thought
"the core dynamics of common problems".
While traditional
coaching practice included sticking to the present and
the future, this amazing new coaching approach involves
exploring conditioning and its effects. While
traditional coaching dealt with action plans and
accountability structures to try to work around the
truth, this approach suggests handling the truth by
feeling things fully and waiting for clarity.
Next issue . . . the
effect of conflicting intentions. | 
6
working models to help you create a million dollar
coaching business.