by CoachVille © 2002

As an infant and child, you didn't tolerate ANYTHING, did you? (Those were the days!) But as you were raised, you were told to not be so selfish, so it's normal to have 'coped' with this terrible (!) news by learning how to tolerate (aka, cope, accept, be patient, wait your turn, be understanding, look on the bright side, it will work out, compromise, you can't always have what you want, etc.). Unfortunately, most of us learned these skills too well and have become excellent tolerators. Well, it's time to unlearn what's worked, because the more you are tolerating, the less attractive you'll be to yourself AND/OR to the people to whom YOU matter most. (vs the other way around).

 

The tips below will help you reduce your tolerations by 90-100% and hopefully without getting divorced, losing your job or flinging your Rolodex out the window -- unless that's best for you, of course!

 

1. We tolerate for VERY good reasons. Discover these before eliminating tolerations.
 

Tolerations are like brakes -- they slow down your naturally rapid personal development and evolution process. So, if you are experiencing fear, you'll 'install' tolerations -- ANYTHING to slow yourself down to feel a bit more safe. Interesting thought, isn't it, that perhaps we deliberately (consciously or unconsciously) create things to tolerate in order to feel more secure about where we are along our path.

 

2. Make a list of the 50 things you are tolerating in your life, big and small.
 

You DO have at least 50 things and it should take you less than 20 minutes to write them down...and writing them down is very important -- for your eyes to SEE them, vs your mind just to think them. In particular, write down the tolerations for which you cannot see a solution---the big, confrontative ones. It's essential that these are included, because usually the majority of your other tolerations hinge on these several big ones. FYI, include in your list tolerations from the following categories or areas of toleration: work/job/business, spouse's behavior/habits, YOUR behavior/habits, equipment/car, home/office, people's attitudes or communication styles.

 

3. Study the list and identify the immediate and long-term benefits of having/maintaining these tolerations.
 

This may sound a bit odd, because most people don't like their tolerations at all. Regardless, they ARE working for you in some way and it's important to recognize/admit how these ARE paying off for you, often in very practical and perhaps even healthful ways. Make a note of at least one benefit for each of the tolerations on your list.

 

4. Study the list and identify the hard and soft costs of those tolerations.
 

Okay, now you can identify what is 'expensive' about your tolerations. Hard costs are those costs that are known and measurable -- they can either be short term or long term costs. Soft costs are those costs which are not as clear -- an undercurrent of feeling that something about this toleration is really expensive, but you can't quite identify it exactly or completely. Identify the hard and soft costs for each of your listed tolerations.

 

5. Decide whether it's worth it to you to evolve into a Toleration-Free Zone.
 

In doing the exercises in #2, #3 and #4, you'll have gotten to know yourself a bit better and also have come to understand the dynamic (both positive and negative) of tolerations. At some point along this process, you may choose to become what's called a Toleration-Free Zone, or TFZ for short. Basically, it's an internal change or shift where tolerations are no longer acceptable to you and you get on the track to identifying and eliminating them (and the source of them). It doesn't mean that you won't tolerate things in the future. Rather, it signifies that you fully understand the hard and soft costs of tolerations and won't tolerate them. When you encounter or notice tolerations, you'll move quickly to take care of them. Becoming a TFZ if NOT a promise you make to yourself or to anyone else. Rather, it's just a place you've gotten to that says 'no' to tolerations. This 'attitude' will help you eliminate tolerations more easily, as you encounter them. In effect, you will have been sensitized to the costs of tolerations to the point that you won't put up with them.

 

6. Pick the easiest toleration on your list and eliminate it 110%.
 

110%? The extra 10% is the 'source' of the toleration. Let's say you can't tolerate your husband's squeezing of the toothpaste tube from the middle. (Some might call you anal retentive, but that's another top ten list.) Rather than just asking/telling hubby to change his habits, you'd simply start buying the type of toothpaste packaging that either has a pump or that squeezes without a 'middle.' This example isn't a perfect one, but it does illustrate the 10% principle. In other words, change something 'behind' the toleration so that it never comes up again. Otherwise, you'll be swatting down tolerations over and over again. THAT'S not progress.

 

7. Tell the people who you care about the most about this track you're starting on.
 

Let people in your family and other environments that you are entering this thing called a Toleration-Free Zone. Give fair warning and be gracious about not tolerating stuff that others have gotten used to you tolerating. It's only fair, because, in effect, you've 'educated' them that you're okay with some of the stuff that you're now NOT OK with. So, rather than pouncing on people, let them know of how much you're changing in a particular area and spend a little time with those affected to talk about the things that have recently become 'not OK' with you. In other words, don't get righteous. Be fair. And, you may want to invite them to join you as a TFZ -- that's usually the easiest way to include people in the process.

 

8. Find a friend, buddy or coach to get supported by in this area.
 

If tolerations are the tail, your life is the dog. Meaning that when you begin to identify and eliminate tolerations, it's going to cause some unexpected changes. The symbiosis/balance/harmony will be upset by your evolution. There WILL be fallout and having a friend or expert coach to help you respond, react and step quickly through some of these surprises will help you to continue.

 

9. Progress down your list for the next 90 days.
 

Put yourself on a 30- or 90-day track and focus on handling 30 or 90 tolerations in that time frame -- one a day. You'll find that the momentum that this offers really makes the process occur faster and with less effort.

 

10. Make some important infrastructure/goals changes to support your progress.

As you identify and eliminate tolerations, you'll probably find the need to install some new infrastructure in your life -- for two reasons. First, the tolerations themselves DID provide support/focus for you, even if they were expensive. Second, the people, job, beliefs and projects that provide support for ANYONE may change given how much YOU are changing. People will leave (and you'll attract new folks), goals will change, etc. You'll need to recognize that you will be experiencing a sense of loss (even if relief!) and install the people, projects, routines, habits, new behaviors, etc., so that you can rely on a full system of support. You're only human!

©2001 by CoachVille.com. Duplication by licensed users only. Visit www.tolerationfree.com.

Bonus in this Issue: For the Toleration 100 Index (standard version), click here. The Toleration 100 Index is for public use, free, when one-on-one with clients.  Attribution required.  If you wish to use these tools in a group setting, a license is required.  Please see below for licensing details.